control is something out of my control

i realized tonight that i really missed her. im basically a wreck right now, not knowing what to think or what to do. i wish i knew exactly what to do or how to think.

i wish things were like before but theyre not. ill get through this somehow

damn son

you know how everyone is like "everything happens for a reason"? but what if you try so hard for something that you really want? dont you deserve to at least savor the good things that come out of whatever you strive for? it sucks cause no matter how hard you fuckin try, sometimes things don't go your way. I don't know, I'm just tired of waiting for something good to happen in my life. I've put too much effort into people and other things to only see the negative outcome. I've been patient with whatever life has thrown at me but its becoming way too routine. tomorrow will be a better day.

a year from now

This year has been really hard for me. In April I basically lost my first true best friend. No, he didn't die or anything. He just dropped off the face of the planet on me I suppose. But Molly helped me get over it and made me forget about the whole situation. When this year started, it was the beginning of what I would call 'preparation' for Molly leaving to college. It was something that I had to come to grasp with and I slowly but surely accepted it. When it came down to the dreaded day, it was harder than ever to let go. Little did I know that was the last time I would experience being 'together' with her. She honestly made me lose faith in life. I thought the whole world was in front of me and life was going MY WAY for once. Promises don't mean much to me anymore until I see the outcome. So I've lost 2 best friends in one year. It wasn't what I expected but life isn't what its cracked up to be and you gotta roll with the punches. I've never had a crew or certain people that have been there 'from the start'. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a family to rely on. I guess its true when people say nothing good lasts forever. Either that or its just not my time yet. Whatever 'god' or whomever has planned for me, I really hope its worth the time,effort, and pain. I hope 09 has more great things in store for me cause I could sure use some good times and good people. :)

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.”
- Douglas Adams